lunardreamed | Reading

It's hump day!! And I really didn't want to get up this morning. It took a good couple of minutes of stretching before I forced myself upright. Even now, I could easily go back to bed. But alas, I am up for the duration.

Tonight we have game, our long delayed Brindlewood Bay game. It's been so long that I'm definitely going to need to go back and reread some of my friend's excellent notes. I'd be lost without them on so many games. This is the beginning of a fairly busy weekend of games. not as packed as some, but games on Wed, Fri, Sat (Jess has two) and one on Sunday for me and one for Jess. It's going to be fairly packed. Saturday is the first game of the continuation of Mad Mage, which is entirely homebrewed. I've done homebrew games before, but this one, I'm worried about. When Frostmaiden finsihed the module, it left behind a handful of plot hooks for the next chapter, and then one of my players needed to quit, which gave me the impetus for another section of game. It all was kind of organic.

On the other hand, the Mad Mage module was very self contained, being that it was in a dungeon. There's not a lot of recurring characters. Actually, only one that could recur. And it didn't lend itself to a continuation of the plot, or a plot that was related to something they did in the Mad Mage module. Mad Mage was fun, but I'm not sure why it's ranked as highly as it is. It's no Strahd. It was considerably more heavy lifting than Strahd ever was. Or maybe dungeon crawls just aren't my thing. Dunno. Anyway, it didn't lend itself to a direct sequel.

So, I homebrewed a sequel and a setting out of thin air. If you'd asked me three years ago if I'd have been creating a mystery that's going to require a ton of role play, I would have laughed at you. But as time has gone on, I've shifted from being a combat person to being a little more balanced. So I'm a bit nervous, but excited.

Yesterday was a busy day. I spent a lot of time calling people back, and taking calls. the calls weren't that busy, but I was also trying to fit in a couple of slots and people, so it felt hectic. No clue how today will be.

Today is Payday!! Whoo! Most of it will disappear as quickly as it came in, but I think I'll have a little left over. There were a lot of days that I was there late the last two weeks, and of course, I worked Saturday, and when I got my paystub yesterday, it paid off. I might have as much as $200 left over, which is awesome. I'm looking forward to using some of it at the Farmer's market on Tuesday.

I ordered some food for the week, but I may see about ordering a bit more. I need to stock up on beans and chickpeas. They make great quick meals with some rice.

And on that note, it's time to hop off and get myself in gear. Everyone have an amazing day!

musesfool

Today's poem:

I Have News for You

There are people who do not see a broken playground swing
as a symbol of ruined childhood

and there are people who don't interpret the behavior
of a fly in a motel room as a mocking representation of their thought process.

There are people who don't walk past an empty swimming pool
and think about past pleasures unrecoverable

and then stand there blocking the sidewalk for other pedestrians.
I have read about a town somewhere in California where human beings

do not send their sinuous feeder roots
deep into the potting soil of others' emotional lives

as if they were greedy six-year-olds
sucking the last half-inch of milkshake up through a noisy straw;

and other persons in the Midwest who can kiss without
debating the imperialist baggage of heterosexuality.

Do you see that creamy, lemon-yellow moon?
There are some people, unlike me and you,

who do not yearn after fame or love or quantities of money as
unattainable as that moon;
thus, they do not later
have to waste more time
defaming the object of their former ardor.

Or consequently run and crucify themselves
in some solitary midnight Starbucks Golgotha.

I have news for you—
there are people who get up in the morning and cross a room

and open a window to let the sweet breeze in
and let it touch them all over their faces and bodies.

--Tony Hoagland

*

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Mets vs Phillies on tv

beanside

Watch on YouTube

Because I completely forgot to mention it yesterday, this week's subject line will be from Dar Williams. I discovered her during a depression swing, and the songs talked to me. This is definitely one of my favorites. Even when I was really down, it gave me a little light.

Of course, yesterday after I signed off here, I discovered that the pope was dead. I actually feel slightly sad about it. Though if you're the couch fucker, this has to rankle. You made your Catholic faith a bit part of your presentation as a politician, and the beloved Pontiff spent the last full day of his life lecturing you on it and telling you how bad you are at it.

Yesterday was a quiet, yet crazy day. I started out by getting an e-card with Kudos from one of the nurse practitioners at the cancer center for helping her find a time sensitive spot for a patient where there was none. Then, about midday, I got a request to help with an irate patient. The person who was dealing with her flat out refused to call her back because she was so nasty. She was pretty nasty to me, too, but I just don't give a fuck. This isn't the first time they've had me make "sensitive" calls. When a patient self-schedules for a study and they're above the weight limit, it comes to me to call and sensitively tell them that they need to go to the hospital for scanning, because they trust that I'm not going to make the patient feel bad.

For my dealing with the pissed off patient yesterday, I got a kudo.

It's a little thing, but it's nice for them to recognize when you do something extra. The points just mean that I can get myself something pretty off our website of prizes. I'm up to 7000 points, which isn't really a ton. Once you get to 10,000, you can start getting nicer shit. I can wait. Fortunately, the bosses aren't stinting with their praise, so I can expect another one soon.

I made rice and beans last night. It turned out really well, and was very tasty. I didn't have any bacon, but Kinders Woodfire Garlic Seasoning gave it a little bit of a smoky flavor that worked out really well. I may have it for lunch today as well.

Today, I ordered a bunch of food, so I think tonight's dinner will be a dutch baby pancake and some sausage. Tomorrow, though, we are having chorizo and chicken fajitas with homemade tortillas. My tortilla press comes today, and I'm looking forward to trying it out.

I got a second cast Iron pan, a larger one, so I can Make a big dutch baby and to make the fajitas in.

Today will probably be busy again at work, and afterwards, I'll be making a trip up to Sam's club to pick up some tasty food. Then, I will come home and begin the process of getting all of that food in from the car, and also get it packed away. It's going to be a lot of food.

Okay, time for me to go get myself together. Everyone have an awesome Tuesday!

musesfool

Monday miscellany:

- So what are the odds we get an antipope this time in addition to a pope?

- Sepinwall gave season 2 of Andor a good review (minor spoilers, I guess) - the first 3 episodes drop tomorrow and it sounds like they are doing 3 episodes a week for 4 weeks, as each one comprises a mini-arc. Trying not to get spoiled on the internet is sure to be a nightmare.

- I haven't done the AO3 stats meme regularly since 2018 because not much changes in my top 10. In 2021, however, I made note of some up-and-comers in the 11-20 slots, and it turns out that as of 4/20/25, Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc (i.e., the one where Dick convinces Jason to stop killing through the power of hugs) has crept into the top 10 by hits - it's number 9! (It looks like Our history is just in our blood (history, like love, is never enough) (the Steve/Bucky remix AU where Steve finds Bucky working as a barista) is the one that fell out of the top 10.)

Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc also made inroads into the top 10 by kudos, landing at number 5! Additionally, 2 Star Wars stories also found their way into the top 10 by kudos: There's Still Time to Change the Road You're On (in which Anakin time travels to the post-RotJ era and meets his kids) at 6, and deep as a secret nobody knows (AU where Leia tells Vader she's Padme's daughter and it changes everything) at number 8!

The 3 Avengers stories that dropped are again, Our history is just in our blood (history, like love, is never enough), plus Even a Miracle Needs a Hand (Clint/Darcy fake Christmas boyfriend), and with the lights out, it's less dangerous (Steve/Bucky, then and now).

According to these posts, I did not previously do the full list by comments, but I will note the appearance of deep as a secret nobody knows at number 3 on the comments list, and another Vader-and-Leia AU, Just a Little Bit of History Repeating, at number 10, with the VMars/Avengers crossover we travel without seatbelts on sitting pretty at number 7.

So I guess given enough time, these things CAN change.

- Today's poem:

Nothing Will Warn You
by Stephen Dunn

Nothing will warn you,
not even the promise of severe weather
or the threats of neighbors muttered
under their breath, unheard by the sonar

in you that no longer functions.
You'll be expecting blue skies, perhaps
a picnic at which you'll be anticipating
a reward for being the best handler

of raw meat in a county known
for its per capita cases of salmonella.
You'll have no memory of those women
with old grievances nor will you guess

that small bulge in one of their purses
could be a derringer. You'll be opening
a cold one, thinking this is the life,
this is the very life I've always wanted.

Nothing will warn you,
no one will blurt out that this picnic
is no picnic, the clouds in the west
will be darkly billowing toward you,

and you will not hear your neighbors'
conspiratorial whispers. You'll be
readying yourself to tell the joke
no one has ever laughed at, the joke

someone would have told you by now
is only funny if told on yourself, but no one
has ever liked you enough to say so.
Even your wife never warned you.

***

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Good Times, Bad Times = Led Zeppelin

beanside

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Sory that it's not oe of the more lively ones. There's prooably a few that'll show up that are faster, but I do love this. In the bad old days it inspired som much fic. I think I'm going to make a list of songs that I listen to for the new play list and see if I can get something worth while made. We're six days from the game and I'm starting to get nervous. MM leaned pretty heavily on the exploration and combat parts of the game, while not really giving and challenging combat. IT was fun to play, and a good follow up to Waterdeep Dragon Heist, but not my absolute favorite module.

It's funny, looking at thee evolution of my games. Both Frostmaiden and MotW started out in module(s), which I stayed slavishly true to. Then, eventually, I hit point's where there were things that the modules left out. And I started having to hombrew. My ideal game is something that plays like an Indiana Jones movie. Role play and conflict and fighting and then exploration. When iI first started it was a liitle different Fighting and coflict and exploration, then role playing. I just felt I wasn't very good. IT was the getting to kow you time for the charcters to gel. And oce they did, the modules became jumping off points.

And now, here I am preparing for not one, but three games that have long since leftt he training wheels behind. Especially the new one, which sees exacty one person from hte prior games, and a minor one at that. The rest will be an entirely new chast of characters. With six days until 5 days until we begin, I think I'll share the new cast if characters with you.

First up, the intro I gave to my players: Since the lost kingdom of Arvandor rose from the depths just over a year ago, there has been a race to curry favor with them and to delve the secrets of the capital city, Tir Thaiolin. Word has spread of advanced technology and a cold, aloof people.

Over the last few months, word has spread that the ruler, Queen Neried has taken ill, her advisor Kalanni taking over most of the duties of the throne.

With the Merrow Queen fading and the heirs jockeying for position, the nation of Olleather is poised at the border, preparing to redraw the very map of Faerun.

Seeing an opportunity for an advantage for Waterdeep, Lady Nevermember has sent a request to your residence. She proposes a diplomatic mission to Arvandor, to offer the potion created from the crystals you retrieved to bolster the Queen's health.

You are to accompany Muriel, Lady Nevermember's trusted chemist who will formulate the potion to match the Queen's unique physiology.

While there, you are to gather information on Oleather and broker diplomatic alliances with Arvandor.

Next up, the first character. We'll start with the top, the current Queen of Arvando, Neried the Merrow queen. In my world, Merrows are just. Mermaids that can split their tail ad grow legs. They can breathe both air and water.

The rest of the info on Neried can be found right here.

I'm very proud of what I've writen. There's got to be like 3000 words in here. Quite honestly, it's more words than I thought I had in me. We'll see how long that lasts. Eventually, I'll be flying by the seat of my pants as usual.

I don't know how long the campaign will last. Long enough for me to traumatize some people. I'm looking forward to it. They gave me backstories, so I'm going to do some damage.

I'm afraid, in addition to Dar Williams this week, I'll be posting bits from Arvandor leading up to the game. For my players: it might even be snippets that are only available here.

Okay, time to get ready for the day. Have the very best Monday you can have!

beanside

It's Sunday, and happy Easter to those who celebrate.

And as per tradition, in honor of easter, The 1969 Easter Mass Incident

I have no real plans, aside from some possible baking. I may make a few cookies. The movie ran late yesterday, so I decided to make the tacos today, so I'll be heating that oil up and making fry bread. Hopefully it turns out well. I'm going to make enough that we can have some for breakfast with honey and cinnamon, too. Aside from that, we may go through a couple of boxes of clothes that haven't gotten unpacked and see if there's anything we can use for the hotter months.

At some point, I have to drive my sister to the inlaws for the Greek easter feast, but that's about it for me. Tonight, Jess has a game. I already played it, since the DM ran it twice on account of having a lot of people who wanted to play. I will make sure they have plenty of cookies for game snacks.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. We were able to go to the movies, and got to see Sinners. If you get a chance, go. It was freaking amazing. The beginning half is more drama than horror, but it was engrossing, and beautifully shot. Michael B. Jordan was stellar at playing the twins who have come back from Chicago to Mississippi to open their own juke joint.

Once the movie kicks into gear, there's a scene when the joint really kicks into gear that is kind of beautiful and moving. Once the vampires show up, the shit hits the fan. The vampires were creepy and subtly wrong. Props to the lead trio of vampires for making me physically recoil into my seat. The lead vampire, played by Jack O'Connell was really cool, and had actual menace, especially in the final battle. Other standouts were Miles Caton and Hailee Steinfeld, but really, there wasn't a single person who dropped the ball. Everyone understood the assignment and went hard.

The subtle (and not so subtle) racism of Jim Crow was every present in the movie, lending peril, and indeed a certain joy to the proceedings. In this night of music and community, even a humble sharecropper could be free.

The first ending is fitting, but not as good as the rest of the movie, but there's a cut scene that is just perfect and a little bit moving.

As I said, I really enjoyed it a lot, and they snagged me early and kept me along for the whole ride.

After that, we came home and cooked, had dinner and game and then crashed out hard.

And now, I believe I will go forth and grab a shower and get myself in gear. The frybread isn't going to make itself. Everyone have an amazing Sunday!

musesfool

I made these confetti cookies from Smitten Kitchen this afternoon (pic), but unfortunately, they are way too sweet for me. They are really easy to put together though, especially with the food processor, since you don't need to soften the butter and cream cheese before you get started, and there's no need to chill them before baking.

In other news, I watched the 3 available episodes of season 3 of Leverage: Redemption and enjoyed them, though there was some cognitive dissonance in seeing Noah Wyle as Harry Wilson after 15 intense episodes of The Pitt. Aldis Hodge gets more handsome every time I see him, and the gloves have come off in terms of the writing - they are not even playing anymore about how stuff that is legal still isn't right. Plus, there have been some fun guest stars: ( casting spoilers ) I look forward to the rest of the season!

***

I haven't posted any Neruda in a while, so here's today's poem:

Sonnet XLVI

Of all the stars I admired, drenched
in various rivers and mists,
I chose only the one I love.
Since then I sleep with the night.

Of all the waves, one wave and another wave,
green sea, green chill, branchings of green,
I chose only the one wave,
the indivisible wave of your body.

All the waterdrops, all the roots,
all the threads of light gathered to me here;
they came to me sooner or later.

I wanted your hair, all for myself.
From all the graces my homeland offered
I chose only your savage heart.

-Pablo Neruda
(Trans. ???)

***

Current Mood: hungry
Current Music: Mets vs Cards on tv

beanside

Watch on YouTube

(warning for "If you choose to run away with me, I will tickle you internally," because seriously, what?

Yesterday was mostly quiet, especially in the afternoon at work. The morning was busy, not because of any particular calls coming in, but the person who normally calls patients was out, so I was in her role. I had a really good sucess rate, and got in a bunch of people for last minute tests.

I had one patient who I called at 7 for an appointment at 12. They went and afterwards called me back to thank me for not giving up on getting them in. The test showed an all clear from a cancer scare. They just wanted me to know that it turned out okay, and now they're going out to celebrate. It was very sweet, and I appreciated it a lot.

We have a higher up in the organization who sends out inspirational quotes. Most of them are kind of your basic pick me up quotes, but once in a while you get a good one. Yesterday's was how somewhere, there's someone who thinks you're amazing, because you showed kindness when no one else did. And after that patient called, I thought "well, I know who that person is today."

I'm hoping the other person I helped is doing okay. Their test didn't show anything good, and they're going for biopsy. Understandably, they have not written to my bosses, but I did tell them that it was in no way neccesary. Also with the bad news, I'm sure it drove it out of their mind.

Stepping in for the other coworker is a lot of work. But I enjoy it. It can get chaotic, but I've got a system, and take it one at a time. And I feel like it's always appreciated, which is nice.

I still feel like I'm building to a new position at work. I don't know what it'll be, but I feel like I'll be advancing relatively soon. I'm not sure how it's going to work, but with the other person out a lot (she's an older lady) I feel like they're going to slowly transition me towards that. Also, I feel like I'm easier to work with than her, since she's kind of set in her ways. I don't know. We shall see.

After work, I made a batch of Nestle Tollhouse cookies, but without the chocolate chips, as I didn't happen to have any. I used our brand new stand mixer, and it worked really well. I do need to remember to add the flour slowly and put the bowl shield on, but aside from that, it was all good. The cookies are delicious, like a brown sugar butter cookie. Will make again. Possibly some with chocolate chips for Jess and my sister. I'd like to get some oats to make oatmeal cookies, too.

Today, we have decided to go see Sinners. It's got amazing ratings, and I'm looking forward to trying it out. Plus the excecs are losing their fucking minds, because Ryan Coogler drove a serious bargain when it came to marketing. He got final cut, he makes money off the gross, not from the studio making back their money, and the film reverts back to him in 25 years. One executive said that it could be the "End of the studio system." So of course, I'm going to give my money to that.

Today movie til 3, and then I will come back and make frybread tacos. I'm looking forward to trying something new. I have the second half of a game at 7pm, so that'll be fun.

Tomorrow is Greek easter, and I'll run my sister over to her inlaws, and then we'll have a quiet day.

Okay time for me to consider pants and eating something other than cookies. Everyone have a superb Saturday!

musesfool

I decided to make the King Arthur pretzel rolls again today (well, half the recipe to make 4 hero-shaped buns) - they only require a first rise of 1 hour and a second of 15 minutes so I could start them at 3 pm and be eating by 5:30. I proofed the dough in this nice bowl I have that has its own lid, and I did it in the unheated oven with the oven light on (I've never done it like that before but I've seen it recommended a few places), and about 50 minutes in, there was a loud popping sound, and it turned out that the carbon dioxide produced by the rising dough popped the lid right off! That had never happened to me before! I figured if that was happening, the dough was proved and it was. They turned out delicious. Definitely recommended.

Here's today's poem:

Singe

I read the tops of the poems, ten or twenty lines down.

In the beginning of the book, a man is leaving his wife
for a lover. By the end, the lover is tired of the man, who wonders
if he made a mistake. The book has the quality of a diary,
the beginnings of poems imply the ends of other poems, other days,
this is a man to know in the morning.

It's raining here, where the book lives for now, and the mood
of fog fits the sadness of the book, I hold it out the window,
bring it back and dry it off with my shirt.

I know a woman who knows the poet. I call her and ask
which tops of poems are true. She wants to know why I don't
finish the poems. I tell her I dreamed last night
I work inside a steam shovel, that the tops of the poems
are my sky, my white clouds. It's impossible to talk
to just one poet, and I'll feel the ears
of people I don't know floating behind me for a week.

There are two children in the book. They must be in college by now,
married or incapable of marriage. I believe the poet was honest
about their names, I consider finding and e-mailing them,
asking if they felt betrayed or like rock stars, some other kind
of celebrity, I suddenly want to know if they play tennis
or like Pop Tarts, if either drove up to see their father
and threw the book at his head, the stab marks on the cover
making him break down and apologize for the hurt, not the poems.

Calvino had an idea for a book that appeared to have been pulled
from a fire. What wasn't there would be as much of the story
as the little bells, the indentations of eye teeth in a pencil,
the shape of wind against a sheet. The bottom of this book
is on fire, is where the lies have fallen, where someone
tells someone they were never loved, where a body is rhapsodized
as the font of renewal, and eight pages later, deplored as snare.

I devise solace for the book: we should count birds, I tell it,
should ride a horse, you and I. Some other time I'll read
the bottom only, read this life and turn each page
with both hands, carry the words in the basket of my flesh,
carry them over, carry them safe, some other time, nor was it ever
too late.

—Bob Hicok

***

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Mets vs Cards on tv

beanside

Watch on YouTube

(warning for slightly strobing lights, blood tears)

It's Friday!! Whoo! I have tomorrow off, so we're probably going to see Sinners for an early show. Earlier, I was bitching to a friend about not having the money to afford it, and the next thing you know, I have money in my paypal, which was incredibly sweet. Then, in 2 weeks, I'm back on my Bucky bullshit with Thunderbolts.

Tonight, I need to decide what I want to cook. I'm torn between going all out and making some Native tacos, using frybread as the base or if I should save that until tomorrow. I might save it, and just fry up a couple of pork chops with gravy to go over some rice, then do tacos on Saturday. Even if we go to the movies, I'll be back in plenty of time to cook it up. I'll probably do that, just so I have more time to prep.

The stand mixer came, and I love it. It's a red 4 quart Hamilton Beach model, and I'm very much looking forward to using it. My sister got to pick a thank you gift for having been at her job for 10 years, and she chose this, mostly for me, because I've been baking up a storm, and creaming butter and sugar is a pain in the ass by hand.

Next thing we shall get is a toaster. We're slowly accumulating kitchen appliances. We didn't have anything when we started out, but now we have a waffle maker, rice maker, air fryer and a stand mixer. Mind you, the waffle maker makes a single heart shaped waffle at a time, but that's fine.

I probably won't make a big Sunday brunch, since my sister has Greek Easter at noon. She's going to need all the space she can make in her stomach.

Hm, there really aren't that many tickets left for Sinners. I'll see what Jess wants to do when they wake up. In other Jess news, the biopsy coordinator was able to secure a sooner spot for them. So now, their biopsy is on 4/28. It's still a week and a half out, but that beats 4 weeks by a lot. Also, it's on a Monday, so we won't have to wait through the weekend to get results.

My sister is very interactive today. It's annoying me. I cannot deal with news in the morning, and that's all she's been talking about. It's not that I don't care, I just need a couple of hours before I tackle outrage and despair.

Okay, time for me to go forth and ~~escape~~ get dressed. Everyone have a most excellent Friday!

musesfool

Today's poem:

The Game
by Lorna Crozier

So many conversations between
the tall grass and the wind.
A child hides in that sound,
hunched small
as a rabbit, knees tucked
to her chest, head on her knees,
yet she's not asleep.

She is waiting with a patience
I had long forgotten,
hair wild with grass seeds,
skin silvery with dust.

It was my brother's game.
He was the one who counted,
and I, seven years younger,
the one who hid.

When I ran from the yard,
he found his gang of friends
and played kick-the-can
or caught soft spotted frogs
at the creek so summer-slow.

As darkness fell,
from the kitchen door
someone always called my name.
He was there before me
at the supper table;
milk in his glass
and along his upper lip
glowing like moonlight.
You're so good at that, he'd say,
I couldn't find you.

Now I wade through
hip-high bearded grass
to where she sits so still,
lay my larger hand
upon her shoulder.

Above the wind I say,
You're it,
then kneel beside her
and with the patience
that has lived so long in this body,
clean the dirt from her nose and mouth,
separate the golden speargrass from her hair.

*

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Homewrecked - Empires

beanside

Watch on YouTube

(note for "Satanic" imagery and flashing starting at about 4:13 in the video)

It's Friday Eve! We're almost there! Yesterday was kind of a blah day. I started the day by checking the pt I had busted my ass to work in. They've been referred for a biopsy, so that was kind of a bummer. The current situation with Jess is making me a little more sensitive about that, so I started my day a little sad. I got into the groove and ended up doing 46 calls. Which is less than the 50 I did the day before, but not by much.

Towards the end of the day, I got an email from the head of the Radiology call center asking me to call a patient because "I can't be nice right now." One of the "concierge" medicine places sent us a email because they "just couldn't get through." We had maybe a 3 minute wait time, so that was bullshit right there.

The patient was the worst kind--fully entitled and telling me that If I can't accommodate them, they'll just go to the mayo clinic. I got him in, and then got him hooked up with our Executive program. They'll basically bend over backwards for you. In exchange for not using your insurance, you get a concierge, private room to work in, continental breakfast and gym. If I ever win lotto, well, I probably still wouldn't do it, but y'know, it's a thought.

In the evening, when we took the dog out, he just wanted to eat grass, and I was very stressed about it. I snapped at Jess, which I feel horrible for. This time of year, walks are always fraught, because he'll bark at people, and we're constantly on the alert, so him parking himself (right by the door) and eating grass was worrisome. He seems fine this morning, eating his treats, so that's good.

We had gotten a cheap scent plug in, but it's doing jack all. I think it's defective. It's on the highest setting, and it's not scenting shit. Maybe, if you're on top of it, you'll get a little smell, but it's pretty minimal. I want Yankee Candle levels of scent, dammit. So I guess we'll be looking for other diffusers. The one I have my eye on is super expensive, but supposed to be the best. If anyone has any recommendations for cheaper ones, let me know. I just want our house to smell cozy, dammit.

Today will hopefully be a quieter day. We're still hoping for a cancellation for Jess' biopsy. The waiting is stressing both of us out.

My stand mixer should come today! (I have nothing that I can bake at the moment, but sooon!) I need to get my vanilla paste, baking powder and more butter.

Okay, time for me to get my shit together. Everyone have a wonderful Thursday!

musesfool

I was doing so good with reading books again but alas, I have had the 2nd Finlay Donovan book open in the same spot for a week and instead have been reading fic or watching tv. So have some quick thoughts on TV I have watched:

Silo: I enjoyed this - the first season is better, but the second season has its moments! Unfortunately, Steve Zahn is like a BEC for me, so that put a damper on parts of season 2. Like, he's a decent actor or whatever but he makes me want to turn off my TV every time I hear his voice.

The Residence: I enjoyed this a lot and I hope they make as many seasons of it as Uzo Aduba wants, perhaps in really fancy buildings every time, though I hope they are slightly tighter in terms of story telling - 8 episodes was slightly too much imo.

Abbott Elementary: this season has been a lot of fun and I will be watching the finale tonight!

Elsbeth: still enjoying this also, though I've been doling out the episodes more slowly now that I'm like only 1 behind the current episode.

Severance: I have avoided saying much about this show since for me it's a very mixed bag (great acting, beautiful cinematography, wonky pacing, questionable writing) and I know a lot of people love it, but I hope Tramell Tillman has a long, highly decorated career as a leading man in action movies, musicals, rom-coms, and whatever else his heart desires. I am also always happy to see Dichen Lachman on screen!

Wheel of Time: I have been enjoying this as well, though 8 episodes feels too short given everything that they are covering (note: I haven't read the books and currently don't plan to). ( spoilers ) Let them all sing more! The singing has been GREAT.

And lastly, here's today's poem:

Object Permanence
by Hala Alya

This neighborhood was mine first. I walked each block twice:
drunk, then sober. I lived every day with legs and headphones.
It had snowed the night I ran down Lorimer and swore I'd stop
at nothing. My love, he had died. What was I supposed to do?
I regret nothing. Sometimes I feel washed up as paper. You're
three years away. But then I dance down Graham and
the trees are the color of champagne and I remember -
There are things I like about heartbreak, too, how it needs
a good soundtrack. The way I catch a man's gaze on the L
and don't look away first. Losing something is just revising it.
After this love there will be more love. My body rising from a nest
of sheets to pick up a stranger's MetroCard. I regret nothing.
Not the bar across the street from my apartment; I was still late.
Not the shared bathroom in Barcelona, not the red-eyes, not
the songs about black coats and Omaha. I lie about everything
but not this. You were every streetlamp that winter. You held
the crown of my head and for once I won't show you what
I've made. I regret nothing. Your mother and your Maine.
Your wet hair in my lap after that first shower. The clinic
and how I cried for a week afterwards. How we never chose
the language we spoke. You wrote me a single poem and in it
you were the dog and I the fire. Remember the courthouse?
The anniversary song. Those goddamn Kmart towels. I loved them,
when did we throw them away? Tomorrow I'll write down
everything we've done to each other and fill the bathtub
with water. I'll burn each piece of paper down to silt.
And if it doesn't work, I'll do it again. And again and again and -

***

Current Mood: thoughtful

beanside

Watch on YouTube

(warning for total blasphemy and Jonestown-ish imagery. Also, goddamn, you will get the chorus stuck in your head)

It's Wednesday! We're halfway through the week! I'm expecting another busy day at work. The calls usually don't slow down til at least Thursday. Yesterday, I did 50 calls. Today, we shall see.

I'm probably getting a customer compliment in the near future. I helped a person get a scan done, and admittedly, I worked harder than is strictly my job. But the patient was completely freaked out and worried, and I felt bad for them. SO I haunted the schedules, and every time there was a cancellation, I shifted the appointment a little sooner. And finally yesterday morning, I signed in, and there was an appointment at 1pm that day, so I called them back and got them in. Total turn around from first call to appt, less than 24 hours, which I'm kind of proud of.

The patient was so sweet, they told me that I was as comforting as any nurse could be, and asked that I send them a message with my boss' email, so they could tell them how wonderful I was. I don't care about the compliment, but it made me feel good that I had made a difference to someone. They were afraid, and I was able to calm them and get them the test they needed to set their mind at ease. It's kind of why I like my job.

Also, with Jess waiting for their biopsy appt, I might have been a little bit hyper-sensitive. We're just waiting for a cancellation. I can't make that come sooner, but I can do it for someone else.

I made another greek cheesecake yesterday. I amended the recipe a bit, and nearly doubled the recipe, but kept the honey at about the same level. Then, I added a tiny bit of lemon extract to give it a sharpness. I also cooked it at a slightly lower heat for longer, just to minimize the ricotta's graininess. It turned out really well. I like the texture and flavor a lot. I think if I make it again, I'd switch from lemon extract to actual lemon juice. I think that'll be a better flavor.

Next week, I'm going to get some vanilla bean paste instead of extract. It's supposed to be more concentrated, and flavorful. I'm looking forward to experimenting with it. It's going to be a baking weekend!

My sister gets a 10yr gift from her work, so she decided to get me a stand mixer. I'm very excited to play with it as well!

Okay, time to go forth and get myself together. Everyone have an awesome Wednesday!

musesfool

I'm pretty sure I'm going to stay home for Easter this year, so now I need to decide what I'm going to cook. I thought about making the fancy French chicken, or maybe a traditional ham, or I could make crepes for breakfast and then manicotti for dinner (though that seems like a lot of work). I also want to bake something but what? A strawberry galette? Some other strawberry tart type thing (using frozen strawberries)? Strawberry sticky buns? Clearly my brain has focused in on something strawberry but it doesn't have to be! Small batch cheesecake? Confetti cookies? or maybe I will bake some more bread? I'm off both Friday and Monday, so there's time to do several different things, but I just need to decide what and then tailor my shopping list accordingly.

Work continues to be super busy thanks to the search committee stuff on top of all our other work, but aside from some scheduling that is going to be a nightmare, we should have a couple of weeks off from dealing with meetings with them.

Here's today's poem:

Water on Mars
by Clare McDonnell

for Susan

Mars has the memory of water
carved into her parched rock.

Does she remember rivers;
their silkiness, their languid drawl,
their flux and gush, their roar,
clots of frogspawn, green weeds waving?
Did she understand the pebble talk of water,
delight in the twinkle of sun and shade
and the sudden shimmer of fish?

Was there once someone there
who saw a lake as flat as a polished table,
the surface so tense that insects hardly
dented it, darting between lily pads?
Did he notice how wrinkles halo out when
a swallow dips for flies, or how the breeze
strews handfuls of sparkle over the water?

Was there an enormous ocean there
whose curled tongue was shredded on rocks?
Did it suck the sand from beneath a poet's feet
leaving him in unsteady wonder?
Did his child cup handfuls of spilled sun
from its surface, let it seep through her fingers
to become water again, licking her ankles?

In winter, did rain slap him with glass hands?
In summer, did it finger his face softly,
bring back aromas to dryness,
plump up the wall's cushion of moss?
And when it stopped, did each lupin leaf
hold a diamond between its fingers,
was the fissure a stream, did the red rock steam?

***

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: Mets vs Twins on tv

beanside

Watch on YouTube

(warning for flashing lights)

Why is it so early? Yeesh. I slept well, but I'm still tired.

Yesterday my first call was a woman wanting to make sure her biopsy had cancelled. I told Jess to call the coordinator, and for a brief shining moment, I thought we were going to be able to have their biopsy today. Then it turned out that Jess needed biopsies in 2 sites, and they had only allowed enough time for one, so not only couldn't they use the spot, it pushed their scheduled date three days later! Ugh. It was deeply annoying. They're on the wait list, so hopefully someone will cancel. Not that I wish ill on anyone, but I wouldn't object to a minor cold so Jess could get in sooner.

I took 50 calls, so we were pretty busy, and that was with taking a little while to shift some stuff around and fill some Cardiac CT cancellations.

Today will hopefully be slightly less insane.

I will probably make some lemony chicken today. The lemons are starting to look a little shriveled, so I kinda have to use them, so I'll put together that, and I may also make more of the melopita cheesecake. At first, the grainy texture was offputting, but in retrospect, I really liked it. I'd like to tweak the recipe a little more, just to see what flavor we can get.

Jess kindly did laundry last night, so I have clothes. I think I'm going to take a nice hot shower this morning, and try to wake up.

I had gotten a big box of Cap'n Crunch with Crunchberries, and half the box is gone. I forgot how much I like a nice bowl of cereal. I'm considering having some before my shower.

Okay, time for me to get a move on. Everyone have an awesome Tuesday!

musesfool

Today's poem:

The Five Stages of Grief
by Linda Pastan

The night I lost you
someone pointed me towards
the Five Stages of Grief.
Go that way, they said,
it's easy, like learning to climb
stairs after the amputation.
And so I climbed.
Denial was first.
I sat down at breakfast
carefully setting the table
for two. I passed you the toast—
you sat there. I passed
you the paper—you hid
behind it.
Anger seemed more familiar.
I burned the toast, snatched
the paper and read the headlines myself.
But they mentioned your departure,
and so I moved on to
Bargaining. What could I exchange
for you? The silence
after storms? My typing fingers?
Before I could decide, Depression
came puffing up, a poor relation
its suitcase tied together
with string. In the suitcase
were bandages for the eyes
and bottles of sleep. I slid
all the way down the stairs
feeling nothing.
And all the time Hope
flashed on and off
in defective neon.
Hope was my uncle's middle name,
he died of it. After a year I am still climbing,
though my feet slip
on your stone face.
The treeline
has long since disappeared;
green in a color
I have forgotten.
But now I see what I am climbing
towards: Acceptance,
written in capital letters,
a special headline:
Acceptance,
its name in lights.
I struggle on,
waving and shouting.
Below, my whole life spreads its surf,
all the landscapes I've ever known
or dreamed of. Below
a fish jumps: the pulse
in your neck.
Acceptance. I finally
reach it.
But something is wrong.
Grief is a circular staircase.
I have lost you.

***

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: Mets vs Twins on tv

beanside

Watch on YouTube

(warning for flashing lights)

Happy Monday! I am so wiped out this morning. When we got ready for bed, my body decided to be a total dick and gave me a massive surge of anxiety. Even with meds, I didn't doze off til nearly midnight. Not ideal when your alarm is going off at 5:30am. So I'm a little sleepy. Then, the cat decided that 3:45 was a good time for her to get food. In short, I am very tired. I'm currently waiting for my coffee and Vyvanse to kick in--hopefully soon.

Yesterday otherwise was a pretty chill day. I ended up not going out to lunch, but that was okay. Instead, I made breakfast and then we went to pick up some groceries. Then we came back and relaxed. I made some Kielbasa for dinner. They were smoked, and very tasty. Not salty at all. Later on, I had a bowl of cereal- Captain crunch with Crunchberries. My choice of breakfast foods has not grown up yet.

Today, I have some things to do. I'm going to see if there's any chance there's a cancellation list for Jess' biopsy or if the other sites have any earlier openings.

I also am probably going to mention it to my manager, just to see if he has any ideas about getting them in sooner, because a month is a long time to wait and worry.

All the probabilities say that it's benign, but there's still that chance, and waiting to find out that is agonizing.

The rest of the week will be pretty quiet, I think. No real plans. I know Jess has accupuncture this week, but I have nothing until Friday night, when we actually have games.

Okay, time to get moving and see if I can wake up. Everyone have the very best Monday that you can Monday!

musesfool

I have not yet been able to gather my thoughts about The Pitt's season finale, but

serrico has some great thoughts here and

siria has some here.

I also have a bunch of links (spoilers everywhere!):

+ The Pitt’s Noah Wyle & Co. Talk Taking Robby to the Very Edge in Finale and ‘Getting Mentally Healthy’ in Season 2

+ The Pitt’s Shawn Hatosy Loved Abbot at First Sight

+ ‘She Just Needs Therapy and a Hug.’ The Pitt’s Isa Briones doesn’t need you to like Dr. Santos but hopes you can empathize with her.

+ The Pitt Season 2 Premise [spoiler] and Premiere Month Confirmed

+ ‘We Try to Keep the Sensationalism to a Dull Roar’ As The Pitt shuts down season one, the next shift is taking shape for creator R. Scott Gemmill.

+ The Pitt’s Next Shift

I really need to get some icons for this show.

***

And today's poem:

Letter to My Great, Great Grandchild

after Matthew Olzmann

Oh button, don't go thinking we loved pianos
more than elephants, air conditioning more than air.

We loved honey, just loved it, and went into stores
to smell the sweet perfume of unworn leather shoes.

Did you know, on the coast of Africa, the Sea Rose
and Carpenter Bee used to depend on each other?

The petals only opened for the Middle C their wings
beat, so in the end, we protested with tuning forks.

You must think we hated the stars, the empty ladles,
because they conjured thirst. We didn't. We thanked

them and called them lucky, we even bought the rights
to name them for our sweethearts. Believe it or not,

most people kept plants like pets and hired kids
like you to water them, whenever they went away.

And ice! Can you imagine? We put it in our coffee
and dumped it out at traffic lights, when it plugged up

our drinking straws. I had a dog once, a real dog,
who ate venison and golden yams from a plastic dish.

He was stubborn, but I taught him to dance and play
dead with a bucket full of chicken livers. And we danced

too, you know, at weddings and wakes, in basements
and churches, even when the war was on. Our cars

we mostly named for animals, and sometimes we drove
just to drive, to clear our heads of everything but wind.

--JP Grasser

***

Current Mood: pleased
Current Music: Mets vs A's on tv

nilchance

so I had a diagnostic mammogram on Friday to follow up on some stuff they saw in October, and apparently I need a biopsy now. there's a roughly 2 cm calcification that sprung up in the last 6 months plus another area of calcification in the same breast. the radiologist reassured me that there's an 80% chance it's benign and there's no history of breast cancer in either side of my biological family, but I'm worrying a little bit. I'll admit that a large part of my anxiety is based around the fact that the biopsy is done under a local anesthetic and involves a loud, sudden noise that might make me jump while getting impaled because I have PTSD and an exaggerated startle reflex. I've been hella distracted for the last few days; I'm not making progress on the novel or in my coursework, which just adds to the anxiety. thankfully I have plenty of d&d games to get my mind off of things, but at the moment the biopsy isn't until May 9th. that's a long time to be chewing on this.

and then there's the fact that this won't be resolved until after I meet with the gender therapist to get assessed for a WPATH letter, so I'm wondering if I should reschedule until after the biopsy and add another month or so wait to the top surgery quest. it's funny, one of the first things I thought on the drive home was that hey, if I do get hit with that slim one-in-five chance of it being malignant, at least I can ask for a double mastectomy and skip all the bureaucratic faffing about. XD

so yeah, if I seem quiet and moody, that's what is going on with me.

Lunardreamed in Fandom

Rambling by the light of the moon

She comes when the empire falls And shines on crumbling walls

in some solitary midnight Starbucks Golgotha

And I hope someday that the best of Falstaff's planners give me seven half-built manors

this picnic is no picnic

The broken glass reflects the haze it shines like endless holy days struggling to remember

I learned to fly, I learned to fight I lived a whole life in one night

the indivisible wave of your body

But through all of that sorrow we were riding high,and the truth of the matter is I never let you go

the shape of wind against a sheet

It's the cruel beast that you feed, it's your burning yearning need to bleed through the spillways

the patience that has lived so long in this body

A day of reckoning when penance is to burn. Count down together now

After this love there will be more love

He is, he's the shining and the light without whom I cannot see and he is insurrection, he is spite

their flux and gush, their roar

Living in the night 'neath heavens torn asunder, you call on me to solve a crooked rhyme

in the suitcase were bandages for the eyes and bottles of sleep

Ripping through every poem like a vampire should, and it takes one to know 'em, and I knew you would

and sometimes we drove just to drive

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September 2009

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